Young children are egocentric by nature. This is a normal stage of development: children first see the reality through their own eyes before seeing it through the eyes of others. Around the age of two, children frequently believe that others think and have the same emotions as they do.
We all want our children to think beyond their own experience as parents and caregivers. We want them to be considerate. Empathy, or the ability to understand, share, and connect with the feelings of others, is a critical component of that kindness.
Here are some ideas to help your two-year-old develop empathy:
Read books and talk about characters’ emotions.
A study discovered that reading fiction can boost empathy: "Fiction is the simulation of two selves interacting." Readers gain a better understanding of others."
When we read to our children, we expose them to both familiar (a child falling down and getting hurt in a park, for example) and unfamiliar (anything they haven't experienced). Relatable experiences allow your child to connect with a character and feel their emotions, whereas new ones provide a window into emotions that your child may not have dealt with yet.
"______ is overjoyed that his friends are coming over to celebrate his birthday. Let's talk about your birthday, which is only two months away. "Are you excited about it?"
"______ has seemed to have been seriously injured there." What would you do if you were in the park with him? "How could we make him feel better?"
"_______ dropped her plate on the floor, which surprised me." "Let's all make a surprised face."
"__________ is afraid of getting a shot from the doctor." Have you ever been afraid of something? "How does your face look when you're scared?"
Apologies should be redefined.
Many of us are quick to orchestrate an apology when our children cause harm to others, but this can also be an opportunity to tap into your child's growing understanding of empathy. From 0 to 3, consider the following:
"A more meaningful approach is to help children focus on the feelings of others: '________, look at ________ —she's very sad.' She's sobbing. She's rubbing the spot on her arm where you pushed her. Let's see if she's all right.' This allows children to make the association between the action (shoving) and the reaction (a sad and crying friend)."
By the age of 24 months, most children begin to try to console others who are in distress. This is largely mimicry behavior, as they imitate what they see others do, but it is an important part of developing empathy. When your child has the ability to comfort others, encouraging them to do so (rather than a hollow "I'm sorry") is far more meaningful when they need to make something right.
Validate your child's feelings.
A study on emotional regulation discovered that when children are more connected to their own emotions, particularly negative ones, they develop empathy more deeply. In other words, understanding our own feelings first makes it much easier to be kind and empathetic to others. Here are a few ideas to get you started:
Label your child's strong emotions. This may seem counterintuitive, but describing what you see when your child is struggling can help them emerge stronger and with more tools for the next time: "you didn't want to leave the park, and I can see you're really upset about that." I understand why, and I'm sure you're sad and angry about having to stop playing."
Speak from the "I viewpoint." When you speak through your own experiences and emotions, it helps your child understand that you have different emotions and feelings than they do: "It hurt when you hit me, and I can't let you do that." Encourage them to speak in that manner in return; when they're struggling to express themselves, give them sentence starters like "I didn't like it when" or "I'm sad because."
Commend their good behavior. When your child goes out of their way to be kind to someone else, point it out: "I noticed you hugging Marco when he was so sad." That was very thoughtful of you, and it demonstrated your concern for him. I believe it made him feel better."
As with so many aspects of parenting, modeling empathy is one of the most effective ways to teach it. One method is to narrate when you are experiencing strong emotions. For example, if you can't find a parking spot, tell your child, "I'm sorry I'm not paying attention to you, I can't find a place to park and it's making me angry and frustrated." I'll take a few deep breaths and continue looking."
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